Crazy Love

Our small group at Church is doing a series on a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. This book has challenged me in ways I never expected a book to do so! In one of the chapters, Francis talks about "Lukewarm' Christians. The idea is that we don't sin because we are regretful for our actions but more so because we are worried about the consequences. Now, I think this is appropriate for someone who is just starting out in their faith. Like with our DD, she has consequences that prevent her from behaving in a negative way. We hope that some day she behaves the way she should because it is the right thing to do, not because of the punishment. Well, God wants us to love Him so much that we do the right thing because of our love for him, not our fear of punishment.

The other challenge I have faced while reading this book is trusting in the God I love so deeply.

"Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account. They don't need God to help them-they have their retirement plan in place. They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live- they have life figured and mapped out. They don't depend on God on a daily basis-their refrigerators are full and, for the mos part, they are in good health. the truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God."

WOW - that made me stop and read it several times! I had to wonder, how different would my life look if I suddenly stopped believing in God...

God is the one who is to judge

Yesterday I left work at noon with a horrible headache. Of course as soon as I got in the car, my gass light came on so I had to stop. As I was finishing up pumping a guy approached me. He said him and his fiance were traveling and both were on unemployment. They needed money for gas to get home. He said several more things but I was not listening as I just wanted to get home. The second he asked for money I knew what was in my walet and what I was going to give to him. In the past when I have been approached, I have felt that I would 'be taken advantage of'. One day when my husband and I were walking to our car a lady asked him for money for food for her son. He is a very giving person and always gives what he has. Later that day and several days after that it weighed on my heart as to why we didn't ask them to eat lunch with us as that is where we were headed. I decided at that point when given the opportunity, I will give what I have. We are so abundantly blessed to have the means to help! Of course there are people who are taking advantage of a giving person but the lesson I have come to learn is, it is not my place to judge that. If I am giving truly from my heart it doesn't matter what my gifts are used for, that is for them to answer to God on Judgment day. When you let God take your worries, concerns, fears and anything else that is weighing on your heat, it is truly a freeing feeling!! Next time you are asked to give for what ever reaon, don't worry about their intention, worry about what is in your heart...

Mac N Cheese with Green Beans

Well DD did it, she got three green days in a row! She came running at me when I picked her up yesterday saying "MOM - you get to have lunch with me tomorrow!" I was lucky that I had time in my schedule and was excited to spend the time with her. Her class we really excited to have me as well. I heard the other kiddos telling DD that she has an 'awesome' mom. I sat at the table with her and 3 of her friends. It was a lot of fun to listen to the conversations of 4 year olds! I had such a good time that I plan to regularly go have lunch with her while she still wants me to! I know that some day it will no longer be 'cool' to have mom around. I also have to say thank you to my good friend Niki who gave me the idea, it is one that I think will have a great impact on my relationship with DD!

I love gadgets!

So if you know me, you know that I love gadgets! The newest one I have fallen in love with is the polar watches. As I have been working out regularly again, I find myself chasing my appetite the rest of the day. After talking with a personal trainer I believe this is because I am getting my heart rate up too high and burning off sugar and not the fat I am trying to get rid of. So, this is going to help me stay in my target heart rate zone. The other benefit is that it will transmit my heart rate to the machine I am working on giving me a better idea of how I am doing. At the end of the work out I will get a run down of intensity, duration as well as calories burned. Then the watch also gives me a weekly summary. The other option I am excited about is the ability to download the information to play with on the computer. Knowing I am going to see at the end of the week how much I have worked out, I think will help me get out of bed when I don't want to! While the watch is big and kind of masculine, I am extremely to have this tool to help make me more efficient while I am working out.... thank you honey!!

Shhh, are you listening?

One of the hardest things for me to do while growing up was to stop talking. It wasn't until I was an adult that I understood that while talking, I was not listening. I am sure I have missed a lot growing up not 'listening' and now my daughter is walking in my footsteps. It is hard as a parent to watch your children make the same mistakes you made.

This weekend at Church we learned about listening to God. When I pray, I start off thanking God for the things I have and then asking Him for the things I want. Not too often do I start off with asking God what he wants to talk to me about. What is He telling me that I am too busy talking to hear? It is amazing how many of my life lessions I am trying to teach my child that apply to my relationship with God!!! This week I am going to try to slow down and listen before speaking... Maybe if I display the behavior I am asking of my child she will follow?

What color day did you have?

Well the 'cents' idea didn't work as planned. For one, mom was not quite as organized at implementing the plan as thought. Last week, we had more red days then anything else... and things started to turn around at the end of the week. The director decided that DD could be her 'helper' if she gets green days. That seemed to help. After two green days in a row we get dinner with one of DD's favorite people and after three in a row... lunch with momma at school. She was excited. She has great intentions and heads into the day saying she is going to get a 'green' day. Somewhere along the day she gets sidetracked and things go down hill. I hope that all the incentives we have been throwing her way really help!!

I can't help but see the comparison between her and how my day goes with God in it. I start out the day talking with Him and thinking it is going to be a great day. Then, somewhere along the day, I lose focus and end that conversation. I need to keep my concentration on just like DD and end the day as strong as I start it. I know God continually gives me 'incentivies' to keep the lines of communication open, He is just waiting for me to come around!!

Cents

So, after moving our DD to a new school, there is a lot more information exchanged between us and her teachers. Every day we get a note that goes over the lessons for the week as well as the type of day she had (Red, Yellow, Green). The first week we had lots of Red and Yellow days. After she started to adjust we were seeing more Green days until this week. We have yet to have a Green day!! DD does not like to take naps and would rather play. We have sent crayons & coloring books for her to do during nap time. We explained to her that she doesn't have to take a nap but needs to be quiet. Well, she is just like her mom and likes to talk, so this is getting her in trouble! After reading a friends blog yesterday she gave me the idea of money for incentive. Starting next week we are going to give her a quarter for ever Green day she has. If she has a Red day she will have to pay us a quarter and if she has a Yellow day we are all even. She really likes to get money so I think this will work. I am excited to try this out and see if we can turn her behavior around!

5:30 AM Workouts!

So I have started working out in the morning with my new work out buddy! I LOVE IT!! It gets my day started off to on the right foot. I have so much energy for the rest of the day. It also feels fantastic when I set foot into work at 7:15 in the morning knowing all that I have accomplished! Of course when my alarm goes off at 4:45 in the morning my first thought is, really? Do I have to go? Then I remember my friend will be waiting for me and I get up. So far we have been doing 40 minutes of cardio (20 on one machine and 20 on another). This week we are going to shake it up a bit and try some classes. We were also watching some ladies this morning doing different things on the treadmill to change it up. I am excited at all the change that will come!!

Moving forward

Well it has been almost two weeks since I have posted. Those seem to have gone by fast!! We started DD at a new preschool. We had been thinking about this for a long time and felt in our hearts it was the right move. She LOVES her new school and is doing very well. We feel much more comfortable with her there and feel she is learning more. She does have a hard time taking her nap and wants to talk instead (she is JUST like her mommy :))so we will have to work on that.

DH has been talking about a fitness club he went to several weeks ago. His brother belongs, some of his friends as well as a good friend of mine. So, we checked out the club closer to us for a compare. They are night and day and ended up going with the club he wanted. I am so excited to get back into working out. I have gained weight on this journey and part of that was the meds. I also have to be honest... part of it was my eating habits! While the urge to work out was still there when I would try it would just hurt. So, I am glad to be feeling better and able to get into the swing of things. I have met my friend twice so far and LOVE it. The time goes by much faster when you have someone to talk to. It is also nice to get in some 'girl' time! Tomorrow we are starting our morning work outs at 5:30!! YIKES - that is early but will feel so good to know by the time I get to work all that I will have accomplished. I also know when I work out in the morning, I get more done during the day!

We went to see our counselor this weekend. I feel as though I have moved past this phase and right into the next one. At first I thought it was because I wasn't dealing with how I felt. After meeting with her, I believe that I have been grieving through each step of this process. While there is a little part of me that will always hurt for that baby we were not able to create, I am moving on with my life. It truly feels good to shut the door and move on (of course we are always open to God's will what ever that may be). I have grown through this process in my marriage, relationship with others and most importantly with God. When this journey started I just wanted to know how it was going to end. If you would have told me 25+ months ago that we would be here with out a little baby - I would have been devastated. Through each step, we worked through our hurdles and moved forward. This has made DH and I lean on each other in a way we never have before, and it felt good. To know that we were by each other's side through this whole process is very comforting. I have met some wonderful people along our journey who have shared their stories and helped me be open to God's will. For that I will forever be grateful!! Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time, I have comfort knowing how much our loved ones cared!

The results are in...

The test is negative. I know that the reality of the results has not registered in my heart yet. I am out of town through Friday and am ready to be home with my family so I can be with all the blessings I do have. Please pray for me, that I lean on God during this time and am open to His will.

God, it is in Your hands

We moved forward with this cycle using the stronger drugs and the injections. The idea was that the stronger drug would produce more eggs that were bigger. As of last Friday we had the same number that were smaller. At that moment, I have never been more aware that God truly was in control! The doctor recommended we do more medication over the weekend and come back in on Monday. Monday the eggs had grown enough to be effective and we did our IUI on Wednesday. So, we are not down and out. I do think the experience last Friday prepared my husband and I to be more open to God's will. I have a hard time not being in control and God has sure taught me a lesson about control.

Both my husband and I are ready for this to end. I have not felt well this month with the stronger drugs, while it is worth is, I am ready to move on. I have had sever headaches, am VERY bloated now, tired etc. I will be traveling for work the week we test to see if we are pregnant. I am kinda down about that. I really wanted to spend the end of this journey with my husband but ... that is not going to happen. When we were first married I did a lot of traveling and actually found out I was pregnant with DD while I was out of town...

3rd time is a charm, right?

OK so we are going to try this for our 3rd and final time. We are going to change the plan up a bit this time in hopes for the best chances we can get. We are going to do the same drugs we have been using plus injections. There will be a lot more monitoring going on to make sure the drug does not overstimulate me. I will also gain weight and be VERY bloated - but I can stand that for this one time! I am sad this will be our last cycle and at the same time I am also ready to put this chapter behind us. While I understand that might be moving on with only one child, I know we are abundantly blessed with that beautiful life we brought into this world. Through this experience I have learned to hold my loved ones a little closer and understand the gift of EVERY life. It is a beautiful thing and something I don't ever want take for granted.

For those of my friends who are expecting (there seems to be a lot of you right now) - I am truly happy for you!! This is my journey and while I might not ever understand it, I would never be upset for my friends beautiful blessings. Please know that if at any time it is hard for me to handle, I will be forward and let you know... I only ask one thing of you. Enjoy each and every moment of your pregnancy and the life God has blessed you with!

*sigh* another negative

Well, today was test day. We went out of town this weekend so I actually forgot about it until I woke up this morning. I had a feeling it was going to be negative, and I was right. I guess because I thought it was and was expecting it I was not a let down as I thought. We will give the IUI one more try and then we are done. We will be a family of 3. I have no clue how this is going to end up but I know that I have got to make sure to let this go and leave God to do His work.

Ahhh Exercise!!

It has been a while since I have gotten out and done much. This medicine makes my system very sensitive and then makes me very tired. The weather was so nice out that I couldn't pass up the opportunity to walk with a friend last night. We went for a 2.25 mile walk with quite a few hills. I am feeling it today in my back side and abs. What a great feeling. It feels awesome to get in some girl time while doing something positive for myself at the same time.

I started using google pedometer a while back to make out routes to take. If you have never seen it before, check it out. As long as you are staying on the road, you can map out your route and it will calculate the distance for you.

Happy for the Weekend!!

I have been in meetings at work from 8-5... that makes for a long week!! I am excited for the beautiful weather we are expected to get, a relief from the heat. My DD is going to stay with MIL Saturday night while we go on a date!! Sunday we are going to a movie and dinner with our Church group. It will be a nice weekend which is exactly what I need!

Update

Well, everything went as expected Monday morning for the IUI. I resumed my normal day at work. Last month I had horrible cramping and this month that seems to have subsided. I had some cramping but nothing compared to last time. My muscles have been sore though. I almost feel as thought I am getting sick but I don't think I am. I am thankful that I feel more normal this time. When I don't feel well it is a constant reminder of what I am going through. I am ready to get past this point in my life but I know that can't happen until we go through all the steps.

Procedure Day

Today is the day of our IUI. For some reason I felt a little more prepared last time. I am not sure why though as I didn't do anything different. It feels like this time things are moving much faster... but I am sure after today time will stand still!! We are busy the next two weeks and again I am thankful for that! Again all your prayers and kind words are appreciated!!

Journal

Last week in my counseling session it was suggested that I start a daily journal to process through my feelings. For my 30th birthday, my friends all got me a journal and wrote wonderful things in the front. Yesterday for some reason was a tough day and as I was getting ready to journal I was flipping through some of the tings my friends wrote. This gave me such comfort to know I have people out there that care so much. I feel as though lately I haven't been a very good friend to be around as I am a little consumed with my own issues, and for that I apologize.

Today was our ultrasound. It looks as though doubling the medicine worked some. I will take my shot tomorrow and go in on Monday for our procedure. Things feel smoother this time around. I took my medicine at night to minimize the side effects. I felt that my head was more clear this time around too. We were able to mail order the medicine and have it delivered while Robert was working from home. So, all around this is getting better. We will now wait and see...

Moving forward

I just made my next appointment with my RE to start another round. As I got off the phone the weight of the situation hit me... there is a VERY real possibility that we might not ever have another baby. That is very hard for me to accept. I finally broke down and cried on DH last night. I know that I need to let him in but my fear is that when I face how I feel, I can't stop crying and there are days it is hard to function. It is easier for me to go on like nothing is bothering me then to face reality. After getting my negative test on Monday, I cried for a moment and then decided not to let this impact the time I have with the Daughter we are so very blessed to have.

We have decided to be more aggressive this time and so my drugs will be even stronger. While that scares me and I know it will take its toll on me, I need to know I gave it my all.

This has impacted ever single aspect of my life in a bigger way then I even want to admit. Most of all I do think it has made my relationship with God stronger. I wake up every morning and ask for His help and guidance to get me through the day... something I was not very good at. Knowing this is bigger then me, it is comforting to know I can lay this at his feet and He will take care of everything.

Negative

Well, the test was negative as I thought it would be. I haven't processed how I feel yet. I know this is not the end so I still need to be hopeful this will happen but right now that is hard to do. I am going to focus my energy this week in enjoying my time off and work on our next steps. Please pray for us that we are open to God's plan as we work through this.

Anticipation

So, I know I haven't updated in a while! I apologize to those who have been curious. I am not sure what to write other then it has been a long two weeks. I laid down today and cried at the anticipation of taking a pregnancy test tomorrow. I don't really feel pregnant so in my mind I already know the outcome. I know that we will continue this path for the next two months - and while that is hopeful, the drugs took their toll on me! I don't know if our daughter is feeling the excitment/tension but she keeps talking about wanting to be a big sister. I keep telling her that it is up to God and it might not be in our plan to have more children. She sighs and sadly says "I know". I am off work the next several days and doing nothing but spending time with our daughter. I feel I need to be close to her right now and savor every moment of her growing up. I just feel it is all going by too fast!! I will go to be shortly andticipating tomorrow...

Pain

Wednesday started off as a very normal day. I started feeling some pain in the early morning and by noon it was so bad that I didn't have an appetite. I finally decided to call the doctor after lunch to make sure there was nothing seriously wrong. I went in for some testing and found out I have a UTI. Now, I have only had one other in my life and it was caught very early. So, I had no idea they could cause this much pain!! I started on medication right away and am finally starting to feel better today... don't want to go through that again. Other then that, everything is normal. Because of all the fertility medicine, and now this that I am on, I try not to analyze any symptoms. The Good Lord has blessed me with plenty to do at work so I am not focused on the pending excitement/let down around the corner. So, thankfully this week has gone by fast.

I am excited for Father's Day!! I have worked for a few weeks to finalize my gift to my DH and hope he is going to love it as much as I do! Hope you all enjoy your weekends!

Hopeful

Hopeful is how I feel today. All of our numbers came back better then expected which is what has my hopes up. I feel like we are truly giving ourselves our best chance at having a baby. I am very crampy today and I think that is due to an extreme ovulation - which I can accept that. I am just trying to take it easy today. I have started a book and hope to spend my time reading in the next weeks to come to keep my mind from wondering too much. I am going to try to relax and let nature take its course and not try to disect every symptom I feel. So for now, it is life back to normal for a few weeks and then we will see what our next steps are.

Tired

Well, I didn't think I would be that nervous to give my self a shot but when it came down to it, I was!! It was not hard it was just the idea, but I was shocked that it didn't hurt. I was a little sore after and have been very tired ever since. I can feel it 'working' so I have had some cramping off and on. I am a little nervous for tomorrow morning but also ready for this path. I am going to try to relax as much as possible tomorrow and thing positive thoughts.

Ultrasound

We went in the morning for our ultrasound to see my foliciles. There were two that were looking good but not quite large enough. We are giving them two more days to grow and then will take the medicine to make me ovulate on Saturday. They said that based on some of my sympotoms and things they have seen I will probably be achy for the next week - :( I am started to get excited but also trying to remain catious because we still have a long way to go. So, the next step will be on Saturday. I will post how that goes on Saturday/Sunday. Thank you again to everyone for your prayers and support - they help each and every day!!

Is it me that makes it more difficult?

Well, tomorrow we will see if the medicine I took is working as intended. If so, then I will give myself a shot to induce ovulation. That shot is not carried at most pharmacies. So, there is one by the doctors office or we can mail order it. Last week, I called both places to price the drug. Then let the doctor know we were going to mail order it. As of yesterday the mail order pharmacy did not have our prescription. So, I call the doctor and they sent it on over. I called the mail order place as we had to request it to be sent over-night because the doctor wanted to make sure we had it in time. Well, they didn't have the order. So, the doctor had to send the prescription back over (this is after many phone calls while I am in meetings at work ALL day). There has to be someone home to sign for the medicine so, I recruited my mother and she made sure she was going to be home from 8-3. When the mail order pharmacy tried to fill the prescription, the insurance denied the claim. Apparently when I called the local pharmacy to price the medicine, they filled the prescription. We ended up canceling the mail order and going with the local pharmacy as this seemed to be the way things were working out. When I talked to DH he said "maybe this is a sign". I really hope not!! When he said that, I was not even open to the idea that this was a sign that we are not supposed to be going down this path. However, what I have been praying for is to be open to God's will. I am not so sure I am anymore... I thought I was, but maybe that is just if His will is what I want. So, I have done a lot of reflecting and am working on being open to His will, just not sure I am ready for His will! I have been thankfully VERY busy not only at work but home as well. Work has me in 8-5 meetings for the majority of this week. The exceptions are going to a ball game tomorrow and a team cook out Friday. At home, it seems like there is always something we are doing, somewhere we are going... and I am thankful for that as I have not had too much time to dwell on where we are at. I know that at some point I will have to face where we are, but I am just waiting until we have more answers to cross that bridge.

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was so wonderful and complete with my first sunburn of the season. Friday started us off with at relaxing night at home enjoying family time. My wonderful DH knew I was not feeling well from my fertility medicine and gave me some time alone to relax (and I didn't even have to ask - he just knew). My mom, DH & DD all went to the parade & carnival here in town on Saturday. As we got out of the van, we saw my cousin, his wife and two girls and his mom (my mom's sister) and his dad. Our DD is 8 months younger then his oldest and 8 months older then his youngest (so they are all 8 months apart - confusing, I know). It has been a while since we have spent time with them and it was wonderful to watch the girls play together. I know that God was looking down doing his planning and putting us in the right spot at the right time!! After the parade, we went over to the carnival and enjoyed the rides!! The smile and laughter on the Tea Cups with DD and DH was worth the sick feeling from all the spinning around. I do NOT like heights, so DD went on the Farris Wheel with my cousin's wife & daughter. Here smile did not fade from that all weekend!! After a long day in the sun, we went home and all took naps. Some friends of ours asked us over for pizza so, we got up and went on over (even the dog!). They too have two daughters so our DD was LOVING all the play time she was getting in over the weekend. Today her best friend from school had her over for a 'play date'. She had a great time....

As for the medication. It has taken it's toll on me. I have had headaches as a side effect and have an upset stomach most of the time. The mood swings have been in full effect as well. I think it has been a blessing that we have not only been busy but surrounded by loved ones to help ease the moodiness. Tomorrow is the last pill of this crazy medicine and I hope that with it goes the side effects (even though I know it could take a couple of days for it to be out of my system). We go in for an ultrasound on Thursday (this tell us if the drugs are working and monitors me to make sure we are not going to have multiplies) and then we will find out what the next steps are. I know I have been quite on here as I am not always sure what to say. Again, your love, kind words and prayers are comforting beyond words. We love you all!!

Here we go...

So, we are starting our new plan this month. I started taking my new medication this morning. There are a few side effects, some of which I have already noticed. I had my first 'hot flash' this morning already and now remember why I didn't like them last time I was on medication. I am excited to start this journey and pray that we will be open to God's will through all of this.

Thank you everyone for your kinds words of encouragement. I know you don't always know what to say but it feels good knowing you care.

Walking the dog

We have a dog, Lacey, who is a little over 6 years old. She is the best dog I have ever known. Lacey doesn't really bark, she will cry. When we put on our shoes or grab our keys, she heads to her kennel. When our DD came along, I think she was devastated. She went from being the only princess in the house to being close to nonexistent. When DD walks into the room Lacey looks for the fastest escape route. About a month ago she had and ear infection and I took her to the Vet. at the place I had her groomed at. The told me that she was overweight and we needed to work on that. So, I have been walking her the last few weeks at night. This last weekend while DD and I were walking her, our neighbor commented on Lacey "boy she never misses a meal". Now, I took this comment a little personal!! She had been on some medication over the winter that made her gain some weight. I said "hints the walk" and we moved on. That comment had bothered me some over the week. We used to walk Lacey daily... when we got away from that I am not sure. I know that I feel better when I am getting out there and walking her. So, I hope that we will get back into a routine and get her back in shape because she deserves the attention and exercise!

Cook chicken in the microwave?

Yep - it can be done, and the end product is quite tasty. So, I have been looking at ways to eat more healthy to help keep my blood pressure under control. Unfortunately, the best way to do that is to cook your own meals. While I love to cook, I don't always have the time or energy to do so. While watching one of my favorite shows, Biggest Loser, I saw them microwave some chicken. This got me thinking, if I can microwave chicken... I can have fresh chicken for lunch at work. So, yesterday I ventured into the isle at the store that has the Ziploc 'zip'n steam' bags. They come with a whole list of recipes that I am excited to try out. Yesterday I just bought some seasoning, sprinkled the chicken, nuked it for a few minutes and there is was... a healthy, tasty lunch. I also steamed some veggies to go with it! I am so excited about this!! There are instructions that tell you how long to microwave depending on what you are cooking and if it is fresh or frozen. This means at the end of the day when I forgot to get the chicken out of the freezer, I can still have a healthy meal in just a few minutes... AWESOME!!

Oh and by the way - the chicken was nice a moist and not dried out like I expected!

I love you dear...

Well through our infertility quest, I feel we are starting to have some closure. We are hopeful that our next steps will result in a baby, however, I am more comfortable then I have ever been if that does not happen. What I have come to understand is that my relationship with my amazing husband is the most important relationship to nourish. He is the man I am in love with and the one I truly want to spend the rest of (and I hope LONG) life with. I feel my husband has always been my rock, and made me a stronger, better person. Because of him, I feel I am able to confront infertility head on and embrace God's plan, even if I don't fully understand what that means. God has blessed us with one remarkable little girl who fills our life with more love, laughter and excitement then my wildest dreams. We have more then enough in our lives to make it full and for that I am truly thankful. While I am eternally optimistic that we will add to our family, I am finally at a place of peace if that never happens as long as I have my husband - my best friend at my side. Thank you honey for being the amazing man you are!

Happy Mother's Day

This year for Mother's Day we decided to celebrate Saturday night. We spend most of our day Sunday doing things for my mom and DH's mom - so we decided to celebrate this mom on Saturday. We went to a Japanese Steak house for dinner. It was fun to watch DD try to eat with chop stix (they were the kiddie kind that are held together with rubber bands). It was very entertaining for her - and I would love to go back again! They also surprised me with a Garmin Nuvi 255W. I am HORRIBLE with directions and always calling DH for directions on how to get somewhere or home... so this is perfect for me. The other cool thing about this, it will take your destination & traffic and calculate an arrival time. I LOVE this feature. Now I will always be able to find my way back to my family... thank you DH & DD!!

Shred Day 2

Today DH and I completed JM's 30DS - Day #2 - 28 more to go. I am really enjoying this bonding time with DH. I feel I have a new commitment to working out as I feel held to a different level of commitment. We are a little sore but optomistic this is going to help make us more healthy!! I have also noticed a change in my mood... I have been a lot more happy the last few days and I think a lot of that is due to the exercise. I feel more full of energy and am getting more done around the house. I am excited to see how I feel at the end of this adventure!!

Cooking for my family

A few weeks back DH and my cousin were talking about 'women of our generation' not knowing how to cook!! DH said that what I do cook is good but I don't have a large selection...ouch :) My friend, TS, and I decided to start a blog and post recipes & pictures of the new things we try. This will encourage me to try something new every week... maybe even two things when I feel ambitious. We are just getting this going so there is not much out there but look for it to grow. If you are looking for something to make and struggling check it out!! If you have something you think we would like to try, send it our way. There is a link to the new blog - Things That Make You Go MMMM...

What's Next?

DH and I were happy with the appointment today. We had our tests and went over our results. We felt comfortable and that everyone in the office was helpful. This month we are working on my Blood Pressure - want to get it a little more stable and both taking antibotics. The antibotics are routine before they will start any treatment. We will patiently wait through this month to see what the future brings...

Thank You!!

There have been several of you that have reached out to me to let me know that you are thinking and praying for us today. As you all know we have our first appointment with our RE is today. I can not express how belessed and thankful I am to have you all care enough to reach out. It is comforting and feels like we are not so alone!! I will post later today after we meet with the doctor to keep everyone updated!!

A new workout partner...

Tomorrow my DH and I are going to start a new journey. Our goal? To be more physically healthy. We want to live a long and healthy life growing old together. So, this is the start of that healthy journey. We are starting simple with 30 days... that's right, I am back to Jillian Michales 30 day shred. We are going to do 6 days a week with Tuesdays off (DH has Bible study Tuesday mornings). We talked tonight about what our goals are. The main one of course it to complete all 30 days. At the end of those 30 days we want to build mental strength and have more phystical stamina. We are wanting to move into a more aggressive program and this is to get us there. I am excited about this new journey we will be doing together!! Having him here by my side will make it hard for any kind of excuse... so here we go!!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

How do you teach a 4 year old respect? I am struggling to teach her at her level what respect means. I know that I lead by example and am not always the best. There are times where I raise my voice. Then, when she does it, I am taken back and wonder why? This morning she was yelling at me because she wanted to wear a dress. A few weeks back I sent her to daycare in a dress... she came home with pants on under it because she couldn't keep her dress down. So, naturally when she asked to wear a dress today I said 'no' (not to mention it is not very warm outside). Well, this didn't go over well! She preceded to yell at me. Then while I am fixing her hair she says... "You have ruined my life!" I asked her if she even understands what she is saying and she says "doesn't matter my life is already ruined!" At this point I decided to take a break before it escalates even further. I know in my heart that she doesn't mean nor understand what she is saying. What I want to teach her is two things... 1) we show respect for our mothers 2) if you treat others that way you will not have any friends. So I am asking for your advice or suggestions!!

Our chicks are turning into birds...

Nature is amazing!! In just one week our little birds have gone from barley resembling birds to getting ready to leave the nest. From the reading I have done, they have about 7-10 more days and they will be ready to fly. I have noticed the momma bird has been gone more as she is having to feed the birds more and more. We have had lots of rain these past few days and I have been watching her pull the worms out of the ground.

We have chicks!!

This morning DD was having a rough start and everything was going wrong. Then she innocently and quietly asked me if she could look out into the bird's nest to "see if the chicks hattcheded". Well, to my shock they have!! There were little chicks in there. They don't have any feathers in there and barely resemble a bird but they are there. I did some reading on the Robins today. Apparently they will dive bomb any threats to their offspring. I think the only thing saving me from being 'dive bombed' is the fact that we have a covered deck. It would be very hard for the bird to dive bomb me. The bird has become more daring and harder to get her to move out of her nest. I was able to get a picture of the momma bird in her nest and some cool pictures of her children. They will be in the nest for about 12 days before they are ready to move on. I am excited to see these chicks transform. The experience this morning changed the course of the day for DD as she was in a fantastic mood calling her dad and Grammy to tell them all about the 'chicks'! Life is beautiful!!

Pizza Bake

I tried a new recipe and I thought I would share. It was good, fast & DD loved it!!

2 cups uncooked egg noodles (I think I used a little more then 2 cups)
1/2 pound lean ground beef
1 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 green bell pepper, chopped
1 cup sliced pepperoni sausage
16 ounces pizza sauce
4 tablespoons milk
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Cook noodles according to package directions.
In a medium skillet over medium-high heat, brown the ground beef with the onion, garlic and green bell pepper. Drain excess fat. Stir in the noodles, pepperoni, pizza sauce and milk, and mix well. Pour this mixture into a 2-quart casserole dish.
Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 20 minutes, top with the cheese, then bake for 5 to 10 more minutes.

Chances

As I was driving to work today I was thinking about the last few days with my DD. She is in that stage where she thinks she is so old and can do anything and everything she wants. This often leads to her getting in trouble and a big blow out. When these blow outs happen I overreact and then she reacts to me... and it just keeps going on. Then when I have had some time to reflect I know how I should handle the situation and ... we do it all over again the next day. As I was feeling a little down and wondering how I can be a better mother and wife, I was listening to Klove. Just as I was feeling this, they read their Encouraging Word - "Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day" Lamentations 3:23 NLT This reminds me that today is a new day with new choices. I can be the mom/wife I know and want to be. It all starts with one choice. This was followed up by the song One Life to Love by 33 Miles. I will post the lyrics below... but what a powerful thought!! I don't want to miss those brief opportunities to spend just 5 more minutes tucking my DD in bed at night or a night time cuddle with my DH... because you never know when you will be called to go home and I don't want any regrets!!

He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand
Until he started praying for, a second chance
If he could only do it all again
He'd trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk
For all he missed

He tells his wife, "I wish that this moment in this room was not me dying, but just spending a little time with you."

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love....

She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Til she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road
The sun had set on her big plans
To feel young again

She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice
That's haunted every single mile, since she made that choice

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love............

You only get just one time around
Only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life........
One ride, one try, one life........
To love....
To love....
One ride, one try, one life..............

Our first RE appointment

We have set up our first appointment for May 4th. The first consultation is 3 hours long and will involve several tests. The test results will be back with in the consultation so we will know where we are headed from there. I am excited to get this train moving so we can move forward with our lives. On the doctor's website is written:
"Experiencing infertility is considered to be a major life crisis, and many times it is the first one that married couples face together. Research has demonstrated that women with infertility have the same levels of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, heart disease, and HIV+ status."
Well, because DH and I have one child I don't think this is the first major life crisis we have come to and I know we will make the other side of this - regardless of the outcome. I have been blessed to have a husband who asks how I am feeling and actually wants to hear the unedited answer. I know there are times that am overwhelmed with 'infertility' and have a hard time identifying myself as such. I also know that there are several of you out there who love and support us and for that we are truly thankful!! Your kind words and knowing you are there help me make it through my day...

In our back yard

God, you amaze me!

With in the paperwork that is being filled out for the RE, I have to be checked for the Rubella antibody. My DH was at the doctors office yesterday and made the appointment for me today. When I got there they were a little panicked thinking I thought I had Rubella. They were all ready to move me to a separate room. Oh how relieved they were when they understood they were just testing to see if I had the antibody.

Our regular physic an is out of the country and so I had to see a different doctor in their practice. This was a blessing is disguise!! The doctor came in to talk to me and asked some questions. At first I was a little annoyed because I feel as though I always have to justify why we are now going the route of an RE. I noticed, however, that the look she was giving me was not one of judgement but one of compassion and concern. She asked which RE I was going to and then informed me that she herself was not able to get pregnant on her own and went to the SAME doctor. WOW!! It was overwhelming because I have been looking for someone who could shed light on RE's in our area as I don't know anyone with personal experience. She also informed me that the doctor does not use Clomid but a similar drug that has a less chance of multiples and not so harsh on my mental/emotional state. She was very optimistic that we would have another child and would be happy with the RE we were going to see.

As I left the office I truly felt God's presence. We were out our counselors last nightand she asked me if I had hope.... hope that I would one day become pregnant. It was hard for me to answer because hope leads me to disappointment. So she asked, "then why try if there is no hope?". I know that one day I will have another child, where the struggle lays is when...and only God knows the perfect timing. The doctor today gave me back that hope. She validated the frustration and didn't try to fix or pretend to know the solution to my problems!! She merely listed and shared her personal story and for that I thank God because it was exactly what I needed!!!

Next Steps

Well DH and I are moving forward with our next steps in our struggle with fertility. This last cycle was emotionally draining on me and I was finding it hard on days just to make it out of bed. We sat down and for the first time I felt DH just listened... he didn't try to fix, or help, just listened. We then decided to call my OBGYN and let her know we were ready for a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). After talking with the lady at the new doctors office, she directed me to download some paper work and complete it. This includes sending information to our current doctors to have them send on our medical records. Once the RE receives all information needed and reviews our medical history they will set up an apt. with us. Just the paperwork alone is a little overwhelming. It is so easy to get lost in this process that I am not sure how I am going to make it through some of this. I know that I have an amazing husband that will hold my hand through this if I just let him.

Every night when I go to bed I am asking God to soften my heart that I may be open to his will even if that is never having another child. I ask for his strength to help guide me through some of the tough decisions we are going to face...

Music - my gateway

HOPE NOW

by Addison Road
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

You Are What You Eat

My mom used to tell me this when I was young and would have a break out on my face. I was always under the impression that chocolate and greasy food would make my face have pimples.

In December I decided to take a new path to become helthy. I started nutrisystem and exercise. I felt great! I had lots of energy, could sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and for the most part in a better mood all around. Well Last month I decided it was my last NS month. I didn't renew my food order and thought I would be fine. I started eating 'normal' food again and have noticed a drastic change in me! My body doesn't feel so great again, I don't have as much energy and I sanp at the mention of a problem!! I also notice that when I don't drink enough water, my headaches come back - and that is no fun for not only me but those around me. So, after talking with DH yesterday - I am back on track. I might not be eating all NS food but I know what I should/should not eat and I KNOW I need to get back to my exercise!!

As I was pondering this on the way to work this morning I realized that this applies to my spiritual world as well. "EVERYONE WHO DRINKS THIS WATER WILL BE THIRSTY AGAIN, BUT WHOEVER DRINKS THE WATER THAT I GIVE HIM WILL NEVER THIRST."
( JOHN 4:13*NIV ) When I am not in the word, everything in my life is impacted. I am great at having a conversation with God - but what food am I giving my soul? I need to read my Bible more often and replenish my soul with my Father's words and guidance. When I am not doing this, my attitude is all wrong!! When I am in the Word, my relationship with others are so much better - and I make the choices to be more like Christ, which in turn end up being the 'right' choice.

So, I am going to devote 5 minutes a day to read some scripture and feed my soul.

Sarah's Laughter

I am a subscriber to Sarah's Laughter - it is Christian Support for Infertility. They send me daily inspiration. Today I really had to think about the message...

"Infertility is a struggle unlike no other. It affects every aspect of your life--your finances, your sex life, your marriage, your relationship with friends and family, your relationship with Jesus. There is no part of your life it does not touch. People around you watch to see how you handle a crisis. Some watch so they will know how to help. Some watch so they will know how to criticize. My question is this: Will they see Jesus in you?"

I have never thought about infertility this way. I have always felt like I am dealing with it in my own little bubble. However, it has impacted all of these relationships. Over the past few months DH and I decided to take a break from trying and through that I think I have come to see Jesus and hope that others see Him through me. There are many things that have happened that were not 'my' plan or on 'my' timetable. Looking back there is no way I would have known that the timetable of God was unmistakeably the right one.

Through infertility I have become acutely aware that I am not in control, God is. He has a plan that is bigger then me. I often hear everything happens for a reason - and while I believe that to be true - I also believe that everything happens according to God's plan, not 'my' plan. I am learning each and every day to embrace His plan and relinquish some of the control I think I have.

If you have a friend or loved one dealing with infertility please share this. It helps to have a daily reminder that others experience the same emotions and God is the one in control.

Temptation!!

So, I haven't been eating the way I know I should for about a week now. I can feel a difference in how I 'think' I look. Ever day I start out as "today I will make good choices" and then temptation hits. In the past to overcome these temptations - I was very well prepared. Lately I have not been. Some of that falls on me not waiting to be prepared and some of it is the element of surprise. While I can't control the surprise goodies in the office - I can control how I respond to them. So, today I am walking down the hall and there is my boss with a BIG sheet of wonderfully looking cup-cakes. With out even thinking I reached in a grabbed one. On my way back to my desk I had the internal conversation - it is just one - but that is one more then I should have. As I sat down I made the decision I would take it home to DD. It is going to sit on my desk all day and I am going to make it because that is the choice I am making. It will be a reminder of the positive choices I need to make not each and every day but all day!! I will change the way I have been the last week and get back on track. I have come too far and felt too good to turn back now. I need to remember all the positive changes I saw in myself & in my family.

Infertility - not much fun!

So DH and I have been trying for baby #2 for about two years. We had no trouble with DD - so we thought it wouldn't take long for baby #2 but apparently that is not what God had planned! We have had DH tested a few times and he is normal. I went on Clomid in the fall for two months and the emotional roller coaster it took me on was more then I was prepared for at the time. So, we decided to take a break. I told DH that the waiting every 2 weeks was just getting to be too much. He, being the wonderful husband he is, said OK, what ever you need. So, I took the time off to focus on my weight. That was a nice distraction. Now, I am ready to start trying again. I went on Friday for an HSG test to make sure that my uterus and tubes were clear. I haven't been in to see my OB yet but the doctor performing told me that everything looked good. I was able to see the whole thing on the screen in front of me. It is amazing to me how the reproductive organs work!! So, when I came home, I told DH about the procedure and he said, "You know what this means, right? That it is truly up to God at this point. You are fine, I am fine and now we just need to wait on the Lord." I know that he is right and I believe that God does have a plan for me. I am willing to accept that God has a plan for me but that doesn't stop the want for that second child!

10lb Challenge

The goal is to lose 10 lbs by April 1st! That is a stretch - but I think I can do it. It is going to take commitment and dedication... two things I have lost some of. My goal has been to get closer to where I want to be by Spring so I am more comfortable in the summertime. I am going to have to dedicate myself to getting up and getting in that 1 hour work out more times during the week. I will also have to get out during the weekend and make sure that I am getting in my 10k steps. So, her we go - I need to buckle in because in 1 month I am going to feel much better!!

Do my actions reflect my goals?

Today as I was coming into work - there was a lady who was driving around looking for a close parking spot. I go up to the 3rd floor to get the exercise. Then while walking in I noticed she was carrying her gym bag. As we walked through the lobby - I saw she was taking the elevator... I was taking the stairs. I was thinking to myself how odd it is that she is going to work out at some point in the day and she is not making decisions that compliment that. So, I am going to look at the choices I make this week and see if they align with my goals. If not, I will need to make some adjustments!

Slacker

Ok Ok - so I have been a slacker and not keeping up with my blog how I intended to. So, I will give it another shot. Yesterday I made a commitment to TS (friend) and DH that I would re-commit for 40 days... I can do this. For 40 days I will be 100% with my food and get in 30 min of cardio. Now, the cardio will not always be intense and might be 2 15 minutes walks, but none the less I will do it. Yesterday was day 1. I made it! I won't say that it was easy as there are temptations all over the place. It feels as though there are more temptations now then there were at Christmas time. I think that is because at Christmas I was prepared for the temptations, now they are not as planned. Someone might bring in cookies or a treat here and there... they have good intentions. I just need to be prepared to say NO. I can and will do this and see where I end up in 40 days...

22 lbs

That is how much I want to lose from today. I am not sure how I will get there but am determined to get there!! I made a commitment to my husband that I would get there this year... and I intend on keeping that word. So, I need to buckle down and do what it takes to get there. I know I will feel great when I do get there... it is just hard to think of all at once. So, I am going to start setting 5 lb goals... and go from there!

How did I do?

We started our hour of DD time last night. She was so excited for me to go play with her in her play room. We played with books, puzzles then went downstairs and colored. I forgot how much fun coloring can be! The time with her was wonderful and I truly enjoyed myself. I look forward to our hour tonight. I wonder what she will have us doing?

I did get up and work out this morning. I was not up at 5 but none the less got up and worked out. It was hard to get out of bed. Knowing I wrote my commitments down yesterday and would be blogging about them made me do it! It feels good to have that done with and know I can spend the time with my family tonight.

What are my goals?

I have been thinking for a while now I need to define my goals so I can measure progress. When I say goals, I am including weight loss, family, work - everything. The thought of defining these and writing them down is overwhelming! The first that comes to mind is the one that is closest to my heart and one I struggle most with. I am a little embarrassed to even admit that I struggle... I NEED to spend more time with my daughter. I know that she won't be 'little' for long and I don't want to ever look back with regrets. When she is not around, I miss her. When she is around, I always feel like there are things I need to get done. I need to get better at putting 'my' things aside and putting her first. She is amazing and deserves my undivided attention as much as I can give it to her. My goal is to set aside 1 hour every night for her. This is her time to do what ever she wants to do. This time will be outside of dinner, bath and getting ready for bed. It will truly be spent the way she wants to spend it. This leads me to my next goal and that is to get daily exercise in. If I make my dd a priority, I need to get up in the morning and get this done so it will not interfere with my time with her. My goal is to get in 60 min of exercise in every morning. So, starting tomorrow morning, I need to get up at 5 to get this in. When my alarm goes off tomorrow morning I need to remember these goals and get my butt out of bed!! Another person I hold near and dear to my heart is my DH. He is truly amazing and supports all my crazy ideas. I need to make my time with him more of a priority. I just need to vocalize when there is something I want to do, or time I want to spend with him. I am going to start planning date nights with him. There are some that I want to be dinner/out of the house activities... but I want to be creative and find things for us to connect at home. The last but not least that comes to my is my dog, she needs more attention. When she get attention she is a different dog. I try to get out and walk her when the weather is nice and need to continue this as we move into spring.

My goal is to log in every day and blog on my progress to these goals. I want to always have these goals on my mind as I move through the day to make sure I am doing what I can to achieve these.

What are your goals?

Gowear

Well, I did it - I finally broke down and got the GowearFit Armband that I have wanted. This tells me how many calories I burn in a day. In addition, it tells me the number of steps taken, how long I sleep & my sleep efficiency! I have only had this since Saturday night but I am addicted. I love being able to see how active (or not) I have been through the day. Sunday I cleaned the house with DH and then took the dog for a walk. The rest of the day was spent being lazy. Yesterday - I ran for 25 minutes and did JM30 Day Shred - and at the end of the day burned almost the same amount of calories! WOW!! I didn't know I was that sedentary during the day...

21 Day Cardio Challenge

I have entered another 21 day cardio challenge. I have signed up to do 3o min of cardio every day. The last challenge I completed 920 min. of cardio over the 21 days.... I was 3rd in the 'competition' :) My goal for this challenge is to not miss one day in the 21 days. I need to make this a priority even if it is 3 10 min walks through out the day... I can do this!! I am going to add a new ticker to track my time.

"You can't stop a bird from flying over your head...

But you can stop it from making a nest in your hair" (I don't know who said that) but I can't forget it!! It applies to EVERYTHING in my life - weight loss, my marriage, work, my relationships with people and God... I think of this every time I want to eat something bad (which has been happening more often lately). I can't stop that thought from coming into my head but I can stop myself from acting on it!! I just so no!! I am not going to let that thought become a nest!! So, the next time you have that thought think about what you CAN control and move forward!!

30 Day Shred

OnDemand currently has JM's 30 Day Shred. I thought I would give it a try. I did it for the first time Saturday. I was sore after but felt good. Sunday I was even more sore but wanted to give it another try. So, I did my 30 min. on my TM and then the 28 min. of the 30DS.... wow talk about sore. So, I am giving myself the day off today. I am going to try to get in some walking though... just makes me feel better. When I put on slacks this morning (I just wore these last week and they fit) the almost fell off!! That was an AWESOME feeling and one that will push me to continue the 30DS!!

God, is that you?

DH and I went to a Church class in late fall last year and met some wonderful people. There was a couple we sat with that were close to our age and we both really liked them. We were looking for a life group and I looked one up and we started going. The problem was that group went to a different location then we did. We didn’t go very consistently and eventually stopped. DH had mentioned the other couple and how he wished we were in a group with them. The problem was we knew that their group was full. Well, last week we got an email from then that they had an opening in their group. There are 8 couples and they meet ever other Sunday with out children. We went last night and really had a great time. The group felt authentic and that they all care! We would love to find a group we fit in with and so far this feels good! Several of the couples live by us and a lot of them go to the same service as us. For one of the first times in forever I was patient and things seem to be falling into place!

Why is it so hard?

So my alarm goes off every morning in time for me to go work out... but why is it so hard for me to get out of bed and do this? The alarm went off at 5:45 this morning and I lay there thinking... I can do it after Church... oh but I have that meeting from 1-2:30....ah I can do it after then!! ... oh but we have group tonight from 5-7.... I can do it after then.... oh but we have to pick up DD from my paretns so it wouldn't be till after 9 probably. OK OK OK, I will get up and do it now... but I DON'T WANT TO! Well I got up and ran and lifted weights. I felt AMAZING after I was done. I was thinking at Church how much energy I had! WOW that was nice. I came home did some laundry, picked up Alex's room and organized her bathroom!! So when I feel this good and get this much done, why is it so hard to get up when my alarm goes off?

Positive Thinking

Biggest Loser Couples started last night. I set a goal to walk while watching it and completed it! I walked for 2 hours and for 6.5 miles. My legs were sore after but I felt that satisfaction of completion! I think I enjoy walking as much as my other work outs and want to start walking more often. Now, I do love a good sweat when I work out and I didn’t quite get that last night… so I will have to get a good run in today. I weigh in Friday so I will try to take tomorrow easy. I am excited for this first weigh in – and excited to see that hard work pay off!

I was quite moody when I woke up this morning… I think I still wanted to be in bed. DD joined us in our bed about 6 and I kept snapping at her. She was awake and kept moving… and I just wanted a few more min. rest! I realized the error of my ways and changed my attitude once she was up and getting ready for the day. Then I got to work and it was down hill from there again. For me, one of the worst feelings is when I know I am in a bad mood and can’t turn it around L

I did take the time to walk over and have dinner with DH today - and that always helps! It is nice to get away from work and spend a few minutes with him during the day. I wish it happened more often. We were talking about happiness and I was telling him about the Oprah show I watched that said if you think it, it will happen. So, I am THINKING I know I WILL get to my goal weight – might take more time then I had planned but it WILL happen!!

Hope the day gets better!

So.... what happened

So what happened on that weigh in… it probably never happened. I continued to live in denial and tried to find new ways to lose weight! I tried not eating, I tried throwing up, I tried a magic pill in a bottle. At the end of the day I had the same feeling to all of it – THIS IS NOT WORKING! So, I talked to my wonderful husband and we decided for me to give Nutrisystem a try. WOW, I LOVE this program. I was very scared to order because I didn’t know what I was getting myself into but thought I would give it a try. I started 12/14 – the week before I turned 30. I made the decision not to drink or partake in the food on my birthday and just to enjoy everyone. This was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. The next morning I felt good – I had made decisions that were good for me. That continued through Christmas and New Years. I actually like the way I feel sober!! I always felt like I HAD to drink… I don’t know why I felt this way but I did. It is very empowering to not drink. Save not only calories, but money and the next day from being a waste!!

Jan. 2, 2009 I started a Biggest Loser Challenge with my Nutrisystem friends (I weighed in at 163.8lbs). There are over 250 people who are partaking in the challenge!! WOW!! This has motivated me to start moving again. I have committed to doing 30 min of cardio a day for at least 21 days. There will be days that I have to break this up into two 15 min sessions… but that is better then not moving at all.

For Christmas I made the commitment to my husband that I WOULD hit my goal weight of 135 this year. I will not quit till I see that number on the scale!! I can only imagine at this point how good that is going to feel!!

Sept. 8, 2008

Today was the 2st day with my new team. It was a nice change of pace. I moved to my new cube and feel at home. One of the team members mentioned they were having a food day for me later in the week - feels nice to be welcomed. I heard my new manager talking about supervisor rotations, sounded like maybe under a different director. Something I wanted when they presented this change to me - so that makes me feel like I might miss out. Why do I feel this way? I have the opportunity to learn something new, develop myself, have less stress & still stay in management. So what is my problem? I need to learn to be thankful for what I have & not want for more. This extends past my work life but in my home life as well. It feels that I always want more - lose more weight, have more things, have a bigger house, want more children. I need to stop daily and realize how blessed I am to have the things I do - beautiful husband, daughter & dog, nice home with nice things, food to put on the tale and money to pay the bills!

DH called and asked me to go get some lunch with him today. It has been a long time since he has done that and I really wanted to join him. The problem is I brought my lunch and need to eat OP & am trying to save $. So, I sad no and stuck to the plan. He was very understanding! I am looking forward to seeing the scale go down for the 1st time in a long time.

Daycare called today, there was an incident - DD was not involved but there were kids who were playing the 'you show me yours and I will show you mine' game. So they had a 'talk' about private parts. Just seems kids grow up too fast these days. I can't believe how bid my DD is getting. Reminds me every day how short life is and I need to spend as much time as I can with my loved ones!

Today I made better food choices and plan to continue tomorrow.

Sept. 7, 2008

68 years! That is how long my grandparents have been married - wow!! I hope to make it that long. My gramps also celebrated is 91st birthday this week - it is amazing that he is that old and is in such good shape - again I hope we are that blessed!

We started the day off at Church - the message was awesome - reminds me to take the time I have not to develop a relationship with DD. Now is the time to lay the foundation that we will build our relationship on. This too is something that I need to remember and work on each and every day!!

I started my 1st day on Clomid. I took it about an hour ago - my eyes & mouth are already dry. My stomach is a little upset so, I asked DH to put DD to bed. Then I followed up with him to understand what time he was going to put her to bed. Why do I treat him like a little kid? Why can't I ask him to put her to bed and let him handle it the way he thinks is best? This too is something I need to work on - how I treat DH - I know I treat him like he is one of my children.

Food - I did good the first part of the day and only at when hungry. Then we had dinner at my parents and it was all down hill.

Tomorrow is a new day, I will make new decisions.

Sept. 6, 2008

I forgot to write yesterday. It was a bad day... and will leave it at that. I look forward to my new start with my new team & pray they will get me a chance. I need to sit back, get to know the team, their functions & work on listening. I also need to work on developing ME. This is an opportunity to spend time working on my development. Then I can look for new opportunities. I say it is not about the $ but it is! The more $ I bring to this family the more secure we are. I need to learn to be happy with what I have & stop wanting more!

I haven't done so well with the weight loss. I did go to the store today & have what I need to make the good soup. The word part is, I can tell that I am not hungry & just eat for comfort - that is a horrible feeling. Tomorrow is a new day, chance to make new choices.

Today DD had her first dance class. As we were pulling into the parking lot, I got a little emotional. That caught me off guard! I just can't believe how fast she is grown up! She did better in class then I though she would.

Tonight I was working & DH was watching football - DD wanted some marshmallow's - I said "ask your dad" she said "NO, dad will just say NO"

Tomorrow is a new day, I hope to make better eating decisions and spend more time with DD!

Sept 4, 2008

"How Did I Get Here"
Last December I decided my weight had gotten out of control. I saw myself in a picture & didn't recognize myself. Right then I decided I needed to do something about it. My mother-in-law bought me P.J's that were XL. So, not only had I gained weight but everyone else noticed. To my horror - the pants were none too big!! I made the decision to give WW Core a chance. I buckled down - stuck to the plan, started running & lost 20lbs. Then I got sick with Pneumonia & everything has been down hill. I know this & yet I still can't reign myself in... why??? I worked SO hard to get where I am - so why would I not fight for what I worked so hard for? I have decided to start a journal to work through this, making a baby & my relationship with my DH & DD. I hope to reflect on the decisions I make every day. This will help me evaluate if my actions are in line with my values & where I want to be.

Today I took DD for her P.T I know that we have not worked with DD as hard as we should. I need to refocus & make this a priority for DD.

D brought over shoes for DD to start her dance class. I can't believe how old/big she is getting!!

I started my period yesterday. I was very sad as I really felt this was the month. We started the fertility monitor last month and will continue that. I start my first round of Clomid on Sunday - I don't want to get my hopes up so I am trying not to have any expectations.