Our first RE appointment

We have set up our first appointment for May 4th. The first consultation is 3 hours long and will involve several tests. The test results will be back with in the consultation so we will know where we are headed from there. I am excited to get this train moving so we can move forward with our lives. On the doctor's website is written:
"Experiencing infertility is considered to be a major life crisis, and many times it is the first one that married couples face together. Research has demonstrated that women with infertility have the same levels of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, heart disease, and HIV+ status."
Well, because DH and I have one child I don't think this is the first major life crisis we have come to and I know we will make the other side of this - regardless of the outcome. I have been blessed to have a husband who asks how I am feeling and actually wants to hear the unedited answer. I know there are times that am overwhelmed with 'infertility' and have a hard time identifying myself as such. I also know that there are several of you out there who love and support us and for that we are truly thankful!! Your kind words and knowing you are there help me make it through my day...

God, you amaze me!

With in the paperwork that is being filled out for the RE, I have to be checked for the Rubella antibody. My DH was at the doctors office yesterday and made the appointment for me today. When I got there they were a little panicked thinking I thought I had Rubella. They were all ready to move me to a separate room. Oh how relieved they were when they understood they were just testing to see if I had the antibody.

Our regular physic an is out of the country and so I had to see a different doctor in their practice. This was a blessing is disguise!! The doctor came in to talk to me and asked some questions. At first I was a little annoyed because I feel as though I always have to justify why we are now going the route of an RE. I noticed, however, that the look she was giving me was not one of judgement but one of compassion and concern. She asked which RE I was going to and then informed me that she herself was not able to get pregnant on her own and went to the SAME doctor. WOW!! It was overwhelming because I have been looking for someone who could shed light on RE's in our area as I don't know anyone with personal experience. She also informed me that the doctor does not use Clomid but a similar drug that has a less chance of multiples and not so harsh on my mental/emotional state. She was very optimistic that we would have another child and would be happy with the RE we were going to see.

As I left the office I truly felt God's presence. We were out our counselors last nightand she asked me if I had hope.... hope that I would one day become pregnant. It was hard for me to answer because hope leads me to disappointment. So she asked, "then why try if there is no hope?". I know that one day I will have another child, where the struggle lays is when...and only God knows the perfect timing. The doctor today gave me back that hope. She validated the frustration and didn't try to fix or pretend to know the solution to my problems!! She merely listed and shared her personal story and for that I thank God because it was exactly what I needed!!!

Next Steps

Well DH and I are moving forward with our next steps in our struggle with fertility. This last cycle was emotionally draining on me and I was finding it hard on days just to make it out of bed. We sat down and for the first time I felt DH just listened... he didn't try to fix, or help, just listened. We then decided to call my OBGYN and let her know we were ready for a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). After talking with the lady at the new doctors office, she directed me to download some paper work and complete it. This includes sending information to our current doctors to have them send on our medical records. Once the RE receives all information needed and reviews our medical history they will set up an apt. with us. Just the paperwork alone is a little overwhelming. It is so easy to get lost in this process that I am not sure how I am going to make it through some of this. I know that I have an amazing husband that will hold my hand through this if I just let him.

Every night when I go to bed I am asking God to soften my heart that I may be open to his will even if that is never having another child. I ask for his strength to help guide me through some of the tough decisions we are going to face...

Sarah's Laughter

I am a subscriber to Sarah's Laughter - it is Christian Support for Infertility. They send me daily inspiration. Today I really had to think about the message...

"Infertility is a struggle unlike no other. It affects every aspect of your life--your finances, your sex life, your marriage, your relationship with friends and family, your relationship with Jesus. There is no part of your life it does not touch. People around you watch to see how you handle a crisis. Some watch so they will know how to help. Some watch so they will know how to criticize. My question is this: Will they see Jesus in you?"

I have never thought about infertility this way. I have always felt like I am dealing with it in my own little bubble. However, it has impacted all of these relationships. Over the past few months DH and I decided to take a break from trying and through that I think I have come to see Jesus and hope that others see Him through me. There are many things that have happened that were not 'my' plan or on 'my' timetable. Looking back there is no way I would have known that the timetable of God was unmistakeably the right one.

Through infertility I have become acutely aware that I am not in control, God is. He has a plan that is bigger then me. I often hear everything happens for a reason - and while I believe that to be true - I also believe that everything happens according to God's plan, not 'my' plan. I am learning each and every day to embrace His plan and relinquish some of the control I think I have.

If you have a friend or loved one dealing with infertility please share this. It helps to have a daily reminder that others experience the same emotions and God is the one in control.

Infertility - not much fun!

So DH and I have been trying for baby #2 for about two years. We had no trouble with DD - so we thought it wouldn't take long for baby #2 but apparently that is not what God had planned! We have had DH tested a few times and he is normal. I went on Clomid in the fall for two months and the emotional roller coaster it took me on was more then I was prepared for at the time. So, we decided to take a break. I told DH that the waiting every 2 weeks was just getting to be too much. He, being the wonderful husband he is, said OK, what ever you need. So, I took the time off to focus on my weight. That was a nice distraction. Now, I am ready to start trying again. I went on Friday for an HSG test to make sure that my uterus and tubes were clear. I haven't been in to see my OB yet but the doctor performing told me that everything looked good. I was able to see the whole thing on the screen in front of me. It is amazing to me how the reproductive organs work!! So, when I came home, I told DH about the procedure and he said, "You know what this means, right? That it is truly up to God at this point. You are fine, I am fine and now we just need to wait on the Lord." I know that he is right and I believe that God does have a plan for me. I am willing to accept that God has a plan for me but that doesn't stop the want for that second child!