Crazy Love

Our small group at Church is doing a series on a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. This book has challenged me in ways I never expected a book to do so! In one of the chapters, Francis talks about "Lukewarm' Christians. The idea is that we don't sin because we are regretful for our actions but more so because we are worried about the consequences. Now, I think this is appropriate for someone who is just starting out in their faith. Like with our DD, she has consequences that prevent her from behaving in a negative way. We hope that some day she behaves the way she should because it is the right thing to do, not because of the punishment. Well, God wants us to love Him so much that we do the right thing because of our love for him, not our fear of punishment.

The other challenge I have faced while reading this book is trusting in the God I love so deeply.

"Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account. They don't need God to help them-they have their retirement plan in place. They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live- they have life figured and mapped out. They don't depend on God on a daily basis-their refrigerators are full and, for the mos part, they are in good health. the truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God."

WOW - that made me stop and read it several times! I had to wonder, how different would my life look if I suddenly stopped believing in God...

God is the one who is to judge

Yesterday I left work at noon with a horrible headache. Of course as soon as I got in the car, my gass light came on so I had to stop. As I was finishing up pumping a guy approached me. He said him and his fiance were traveling and both were on unemployment. They needed money for gas to get home. He said several more things but I was not listening as I just wanted to get home. The second he asked for money I knew what was in my walet and what I was going to give to him. In the past when I have been approached, I have felt that I would 'be taken advantage of'. One day when my husband and I were walking to our car a lady asked him for money for food for her son. He is a very giving person and always gives what he has. Later that day and several days after that it weighed on my heart as to why we didn't ask them to eat lunch with us as that is where we were headed. I decided at that point when given the opportunity, I will give what I have. We are so abundantly blessed to have the means to help! Of course there are people who are taking advantage of a giving person but the lesson I have come to learn is, it is not my place to judge that. If I am giving truly from my heart it doesn't matter what my gifts are used for, that is for them to answer to God on Judgment day. When you let God take your worries, concerns, fears and anything else that is weighing on your heat, it is truly a freeing feeling!! Next time you are asked to give for what ever reaon, don't worry about their intention, worry about what is in your heart...

Mac N Cheese with Green Beans

Well DD did it, she got three green days in a row! She came running at me when I picked her up yesterday saying "MOM - you get to have lunch with me tomorrow!" I was lucky that I had time in my schedule and was excited to spend the time with her. Her class we really excited to have me as well. I heard the other kiddos telling DD that she has an 'awesome' mom. I sat at the table with her and 3 of her friends. It was a lot of fun to listen to the conversations of 4 year olds! I had such a good time that I plan to regularly go have lunch with her while she still wants me to! I know that some day it will no longer be 'cool' to have mom around. I also have to say thank you to my good friend Niki who gave me the idea, it is one that I think will have a great impact on my relationship with DD!

I love gadgets!

So if you know me, you know that I love gadgets! The newest one I have fallen in love with is the polar watches. As I have been working out regularly again, I find myself chasing my appetite the rest of the day. After talking with a personal trainer I believe this is because I am getting my heart rate up too high and burning off sugar and not the fat I am trying to get rid of. So, this is going to help me stay in my target heart rate zone. The other benefit is that it will transmit my heart rate to the machine I am working on giving me a better idea of how I am doing. At the end of the work out I will get a run down of intensity, duration as well as calories burned. Then the watch also gives me a weekly summary. The other option I am excited about is the ability to download the information to play with on the computer. Knowing I am going to see at the end of the week how much I have worked out, I think will help me get out of bed when I don't want to! While the watch is big and kind of masculine, I am extremely to have this tool to help make me more efficient while I am working out.... thank you honey!!

Shhh, are you listening?

One of the hardest things for me to do while growing up was to stop talking. It wasn't until I was an adult that I understood that while talking, I was not listening. I am sure I have missed a lot growing up not 'listening' and now my daughter is walking in my footsteps. It is hard as a parent to watch your children make the same mistakes you made.

This weekend at Church we learned about listening to God. When I pray, I start off thanking God for the things I have and then asking Him for the things I want. Not too often do I start off with asking God what he wants to talk to me about. What is He telling me that I am too busy talking to hear? It is amazing how many of my life lessions I am trying to teach my child that apply to my relationship with God!!! This week I am going to try to slow down and listen before speaking... Maybe if I display the behavior I am asking of my child she will follow?

What color day did you have?

Well the 'cents' idea didn't work as planned. For one, mom was not quite as organized at implementing the plan as thought. Last week, we had more red days then anything else... and things started to turn around at the end of the week. The director decided that DD could be her 'helper' if she gets green days. That seemed to help. After two green days in a row we get dinner with one of DD's favorite people and after three in a row... lunch with momma at school. She was excited. She has great intentions and heads into the day saying she is going to get a 'green' day. Somewhere along the day she gets sidetracked and things go down hill. I hope that all the incentives we have been throwing her way really help!!

I can't help but see the comparison between her and how my day goes with God in it. I start out the day talking with Him and thinking it is going to be a great day. Then, somewhere along the day, I lose focus and end that conversation. I need to keep my concentration on just like DD and end the day as strong as I start it. I know God continually gives me 'incentivies' to keep the lines of communication open, He is just waiting for me to come around!!

Cents

So, after moving our DD to a new school, there is a lot more information exchanged between us and her teachers. Every day we get a note that goes over the lessons for the week as well as the type of day she had (Red, Yellow, Green). The first week we had lots of Red and Yellow days. After she started to adjust we were seeing more Green days until this week. We have yet to have a Green day!! DD does not like to take naps and would rather play. We have sent crayons & coloring books for her to do during nap time. We explained to her that she doesn't have to take a nap but needs to be quiet. Well, she is just like her mom and likes to talk, so this is getting her in trouble! After reading a friends blog yesterday she gave me the idea of money for incentive. Starting next week we are going to give her a quarter for ever Green day she has. If she has a Red day she will have to pay us a quarter and if she has a Yellow day we are all even. She really likes to get money so I think this will work. I am excited to try this out and see if we can turn her behavior around!

5:30 AM Workouts!

So I have started working out in the morning with my new work out buddy! I LOVE IT!! It gets my day started off to on the right foot. I have so much energy for the rest of the day. It also feels fantastic when I set foot into work at 7:15 in the morning knowing all that I have accomplished! Of course when my alarm goes off at 4:45 in the morning my first thought is, really? Do I have to go? Then I remember my friend will be waiting for me and I get up. So far we have been doing 40 minutes of cardio (20 on one machine and 20 on another). This week we are going to shake it up a bit and try some classes. We were also watching some ladies this morning doing different things on the treadmill to change it up. I am excited at all the change that will come!!

Moving forward

Well it has been almost two weeks since I have posted. Those seem to have gone by fast!! We started DD at a new preschool. We had been thinking about this for a long time and felt in our hearts it was the right move. She LOVES her new school and is doing very well. We feel much more comfortable with her there and feel she is learning more. She does have a hard time taking her nap and wants to talk instead (she is JUST like her mommy :))so we will have to work on that.

DH has been talking about a fitness club he went to several weeks ago. His brother belongs, some of his friends as well as a good friend of mine. So, we checked out the club closer to us for a compare. They are night and day and ended up going with the club he wanted. I am so excited to get back into working out. I have gained weight on this journey and part of that was the meds. I also have to be honest... part of it was my eating habits! While the urge to work out was still there when I would try it would just hurt. So, I am glad to be feeling better and able to get into the swing of things. I have met my friend twice so far and LOVE it. The time goes by much faster when you have someone to talk to. It is also nice to get in some 'girl' time! Tomorrow we are starting our morning work outs at 5:30!! YIKES - that is early but will feel so good to know by the time I get to work all that I will have accomplished. I also know when I work out in the morning, I get more done during the day!

We went to see our counselor this weekend. I feel as though I have moved past this phase and right into the next one. At first I thought it was because I wasn't dealing with how I felt. After meeting with her, I believe that I have been grieving through each step of this process. While there is a little part of me that will always hurt for that baby we were not able to create, I am moving on with my life. It truly feels good to shut the door and move on (of course we are always open to God's will what ever that may be). I have grown through this process in my marriage, relationship with others and most importantly with God. When this journey started I just wanted to know how it was going to end. If you would have told me 25+ months ago that we would be here with out a little baby - I would have been devastated. Through each step, we worked through our hurdles and moved forward. This has made DH and I lean on each other in a way we never have before, and it felt good. To know that we were by each other's side through this whole process is very comforting. I have met some wonderful people along our journey who have shared their stories and helped me be open to God's will. For that I will forever be grateful!! Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time, I have comfort knowing how much our loved ones cared!

The results are in...

The test is negative. I know that the reality of the results has not registered in my heart yet. I am out of town through Friday and am ready to be home with my family so I can be with all the blessings I do have. Please pray for me, that I lean on God during this time and am open to His will.

God, it is in Your hands

We moved forward with this cycle using the stronger drugs and the injections. The idea was that the stronger drug would produce more eggs that were bigger. As of last Friday we had the same number that were smaller. At that moment, I have never been more aware that God truly was in control! The doctor recommended we do more medication over the weekend and come back in on Monday. Monday the eggs had grown enough to be effective and we did our IUI on Wednesday. So, we are not down and out. I do think the experience last Friday prepared my husband and I to be more open to God's will. I have a hard time not being in control and God has sure taught me a lesson about control.

Both my husband and I are ready for this to end. I have not felt well this month with the stronger drugs, while it is worth is, I am ready to move on. I have had sever headaches, am VERY bloated now, tired etc. I will be traveling for work the week we test to see if we are pregnant. I am kinda down about that. I really wanted to spend the end of this journey with my husband but ... that is not going to happen. When we were first married I did a lot of traveling and actually found out I was pregnant with DD while I was out of town...

3rd time is a charm, right?

OK so we are going to try this for our 3rd and final time. We are going to change the plan up a bit this time in hopes for the best chances we can get. We are going to do the same drugs we have been using plus injections. There will be a lot more monitoring going on to make sure the drug does not overstimulate me. I will also gain weight and be VERY bloated - but I can stand that for this one time! I am sad this will be our last cycle and at the same time I am also ready to put this chapter behind us. While I understand that might be moving on with only one child, I know we are abundantly blessed with that beautiful life we brought into this world. Through this experience I have learned to hold my loved ones a little closer and understand the gift of EVERY life. It is a beautiful thing and something I don't ever want take for granted.

For those of my friends who are expecting (there seems to be a lot of you right now) - I am truly happy for you!! This is my journey and while I might not ever understand it, I would never be upset for my friends beautiful blessings. Please know that if at any time it is hard for me to handle, I will be forward and let you know... I only ask one thing of you. Enjoy each and every moment of your pregnancy and the life God has blessed you with!

*sigh* another negative

Well, today was test day. We went out of town this weekend so I actually forgot about it until I woke up this morning. I had a feeling it was going to be negative, and I was right. I guess because I thought it was and was expecting it I was not a let down as I thought. We will give the IUI one more try and then we are done. We will be a family of 3. I have no clue how this is going to end up but I know that I have got to make sure to let this go and leave God to do His work.

Ahhh Exercise!!

It has been a while since I have gotten out and done much. This medicine makes my system very sensitive and then makes me very tired. The weather was so nice out that I couldn't pass up the opportunity to walk with a friend last night. We went for a 2.25 mile walk with quite a few hills. I am feeling it today in my back side and abs. What a great feeling. It feels awesome to get in some girl time while doing something positive for myself at the same time.

I started using google pedometer a while back to make out routes to take. If you have never seen it before, check it out. As long as you are staying on the road, you can map out your route and it will calculate the distance for you.

Happy for the Weekend!!

I have been in meetings at work from 8-5... that makes for a long week!! I am excited for the beautiful weather we are expected to get, a relief from the heat. My DD is going to stay with MIL Saturday night while we go on a date!! Sunday we are going to a movie and dinner with our Church group. It will be a nice weekend which is exactly what I need!

Update

Well, everything went as expected Monday morning for the IUI. I resumed my normal day at work. Last month I had horrible cramping and this month that seems to have subsided. I had some cramping but nothing compared to last time. My muscles have been sore though. I almost feel as thought I am getting sick but I don't think I am. I am thankful that I feel more normal this time. When I don't feel well it is a constant reminder of what I am going through. I am ready to get past this point in my life but I know that can't happen until we go through all the steps.

Procedure Day

Today is the day of our IUI. For some reason I felt a little more prepared last time. I am not sure why though as I didn't do anything different. It feels like this time things are moving much faster... but I am sure after today time will stand still!! We are busy the next two weeks and again I am thankful for that! Again all your prayers and kind words are appreciated!!

Journal

Last week in my counseling session it was suggested that I start a daily journal to process through my feelings. For my 30th birthday, my friends all got me a journal and wrote wonderful things in the front. Yesterday for some reason was a tough day and as I was getting ready to journal I was flipping through some of the tings my friends wrote. This gave me such comfort to know I have people out there that care so much. I feel as though lately I haven't been a very good friend to be around as I am a little consumed with my own issues, and for that I apologize.

Today was our ultrasound. It looks as though doubling the medicine worked some. I will take my shot tomorrow and go in on Monday for our procedure. Things feel smoother this time around. I took my medicine at night to minimize the side effects. I felt that my head was more clear this time around too. We were able to mail order the medicine and have it delivered while Robert was working from home. So, all around this is getting better. We will now wait and see...

Moving forward

I just made my next appointment with my RE to start another round. As I got off the phone the weight of the situation hit me... there is a VERY real possibility that we might not ever have another baby. That is very hard for me to accept. I finally broke down and cried on DH last night. I know that I need to let him in but my fear is that when I face how I feel, I can't stop crying and there are days it is hard to function. It is easier for me to go on like nothing is bothering me then to face reality. After getting my negative test on Monday, I cried for a moment and then decided not to let this impact the time I have with the Daughter we are so very blessed to have.

We have decided to be more aggressive this time and so my drugs will be even stronger. While that scares me and I know it will take its toll on me, I need to know I gave it my all.

This has impacted ever single aspect of my life in a bigger way then I even want to admit. Most of all I do think it has made my relationship with God stronger. I wake up every morning and ask for His help and guidance to get me through the day... something I was not very good at. Knowing this is bigger then me, it is comforting to know I can lay this at his feet and He will take care of everything.

Negative

Well, the test was negative as I thought it would be. I haven't processed how I feel yet. I know this is not the end so I still need to be hopeful this will happen but right now that is hard to do. I am going to focus my energy this week in enjoying my time off and work on our next steps. Please pray for us that we are open to God's plan as we work through this.